God is good.
All the time.
Even when we can't see how He could possibly bring something good out of the turmoil in our lives - He does.
I was struck by this fact in the wee hours of the morning as my husband gently kissed my shoulder and whispered, "Good morning, princess" in my ear. Although it sounds cliche, words really cannot express how grateful I am that God brought this wonderful man into my life. Getting to wake up every morning to his gentle kisses and quiet smile is such a privilege, and I am reminded every day of how much I have been blessed.
It hasn't been an easy road. We went through a lot of trials during our relationship that threatened to pull us apart. I can't even begin to count the number of times I found myself crying into Reese's shoulder and telling him that he should just walk away. But he would only hold me tighter and assure me that he wasn't going anywhere. And it is because he stuck with me through it all that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and will never leave me. His constant support and love were a picture of Christ's unconditional love.
I remember being told that the first year of marriage would be difficult. In fact, it seems as though whatever stage we are in, people always tell us that the next stage will be the hardest stage. When we were dating, we were told to enjoy it while it lasted because after that, it would all go downhill. When we were engaged, we were told to enjoy that stage of life because the first year of marriage would be awful and full of fights. Now that we're married, we are told to enjoy this part of our life because once we have kids "all hell breaks loose." I wonder why most people can't seem to enjoy the life they are living right now, but always seem to be wishing for the next stage. I suppose it has something to do with the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side." How sad it must be to live life like that . . .
Honestly, compared to what we had just been through, the first year of our marriage was incredible. We have never been happier, and enjoy every possible moment we get to spend together. I think part of this is because neither of us are confrontational, so we have never had a real fight. That doesn't mean we agree on everything, but we are both committed to working through our disagreements in a logical manner and finding a compromise. Usually whatever we're disagreeing about is something so minor that the whole discussion is over in 20 minutes. We vowed to put each other first above ourselves. That kind of selfless love takes a lot of work, but is so worth it!
The last year of my life has been full of blessings. I moved out on my own for the first time, graduated with honors with my Bachelor of Science in Business Administration with an option in Management from MSU Billings (and yes, we often joked about the fact that the abbreviation for this started with 'B.S.'), married the love of my life, got my first professional full-time job, took a wonderful trip to Italy with my husband, and this week we bought our first house! I have also seen God restore relationships after years of prayer. It has been a delightful year full of surprises that challenged me to redefine my concept of who I was supposed to be.
I realized this year that for most of my life, I had been living to please other people rather than daring to be the person God meant me to be. At the root of my being, I have always had an intense desire to make everyone around me happy. And, let's be honest: some people are impossible to please. No matter how hard I worked, or how much I sacrificed, I could never make everyone happy. I couldn't solve every problem, and I just could not live up to everyone's expectations at the same time. I felt like a failure so much of the time that I would cry myself to sleep, begging God to let me move to an isolated island where the only person I needed to please would be Him.
Instead, He sent a very dear friend into my life. After listening to my frustrations over a cup of coffee one day, she looked at me and said: "Erica, you cannot control anyone's happiness but your own. As long as you are listening to God and obeying Him, the only opinion that should matter is His. If other people choose to go through life taking offense at everything, despite your best intentions, that is their choice. Not yours."
That concept has taken a long time for me to accept. I was so used to feeling responsible for the choices of other people that it has been difficult for me to accept that sometimes my best just will not be enough - but it's okay. I can't control the happiness of anyone else. All I can do is try my best and let God do the rest.
I love this quote from one of my favorite books*: "It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. Imperfect and clumsy as it may look, my life is resembling me now, thoroughly."
And I have never been happier.
(c) 2010 Erica M. Holle. All rights reserved.
* 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilberts
Aug 27, 2010
Jun 2, 2010
Journeys
A journey through unfamiliar terrain begins, simply, by beginning. But perhaps not so simply, for the alien path always look terrifying from familiar highways. Yet, what are familiar highways except alien paths, journeyed by travelers who once stood at the beginning and wondered how they would ever make it across the ruts and manholes without failing? The greatest amount of courage is always needed at the beginning of things strange to us. Courage is our proverbial compass to charter us through unfamiliar terrain.
And after the beginning comes the journey - a learning and growing process, an attempt to reach a destination, that shapes us as a sculptor would an uncut stone. At first, the chisel hurts us as it chips away dross fragments of ourselves we have lived beneath our whole lives. But then, when the sculptor reveals the finished, chiseled remainder of ourselves, we discover precious stones had been concealed beneath the granite, but we had to take this journey to reveal them.
Finally, we reach the end of our journey, only to find our destination still far away. We look back at the pieces of granite chipped away from us, and wonder how we can go on another journey like the one we have just finished. We wonder how anything more beautiful than the precious stones we discovered can be found within us.
But we begin, just the same.
This time, the journey isn't quite so hard; we've been through it before. And as before, the sculptor patiently chisels and chips away at our newly-found precious stones, convinced, as we are not, that something more beautiful lies beneath. And so, once again, we reach the end of our journey. We look back at the precious stones left behind us on the path, angry that the sculptor would allow something so seemingly beautiful to be left behind.
And then we look at ourselves and see what the sculptor has revealed. We hardly recognize ourselves anymore, for there, instead of the granite, instead of the precious stones - are diamonds. We stand in stunned silence for a moment before looking up to see a new path before us. Our destination is still yet to be revealed.
And so, we begin again.
And after the beginning comes the journey - a learning and growing process, an attempt to reach a destination, that shapes us as a sculptor would an uncut stone. At first, the chisel hurts us as it chips away dross fragments of ourselves we have lived beneath our whole lives. But then, when the sculptor reveals the finished, chiseled remainder of ourselves, we discover precious stones had been concealed beneath the granite, but we had to take this journey to reveal them.
Finally, we reach the end of our journey, only to find our destination still far away. We look back at the pieces of granite chipped away from us, and wonder how we can go on another journey like the one we have just finished. We wonder how anything more beautiful than the precious stones we discovered can be found within us.
But we begin, just the same.
This time, the journey isn't quite so hard; we've been through it before. And as before, the sculptor patiently chisels and chips away at our newly-found precious stones, convinced, as we are not, that something more beautiful lies beneath. And so, once again, we reach the end of our journey. We look back at the precious stones left behind us on the path, angry that the sculptor would allow something so seemingly beautiful to be left behind.
And then we look at ourselves and see what the sculptor has revealed. We hardly recognize ourselves anymore, for there, instead of the granite, instead of the precious stones - are diamonds. We stand in stunned silence for a moment before looking up to see a new path before us. Our destination is still yet to be revealed.
And so, we begin again.
*****
(c) 2005 Erica M. Holle
Apr 3, 2010
You are There
In the darkness I cry out,
Your arms are there to reach for me.
When I am in pain, and my heart is broken,
Your words are there to comfort me.
You whisper to me, and I am healed.
When I am lonely, You hold me in Your embrace.
The sweet sound of Your voice, fills my soul with gladness.
I need not be afraid of the darkness,
For in the dark, Your light shines ever brighter.
You are my comfort and my source of strength.
You calm the seas with a word,
Your breath stirs the leaves of trees.
Hold me ever closer, my God,
In Whom I place my trust and joy.
You alone are my God and Friend,
You alone are my comfort.
*****
(c) 2003 Erica M. Holle
Your arms are there to reach for me.
When I am in pain, and my heart is broken,
Your words are there to comfort me.
You whisper to me, and I am healed.
When I am lonely, You hold me in Your embrace.
The sweet sound of Your voice, fills my soul with gladness.
I need not be afraid of the darkness,
For in the dark, Your light shines ever brighter.
You are my comfort and my source of strength.
You calm the seas with a word,
Your breath stirs the leaves of trees.
Hold me ever closer, my God,
In Whom I place my trust and joy.
You alone are my God and Friend,
You alone are my comfort.
*****
(c) 2003 Erica M. Holle
Apr 2, 2010
Unfailing
I waste every day,
Looking for a hero,
Looking for someone to love me,
Unfailing.
But why can't I see,
That You're right here with me?
I don't understand,
Don't trust what I can't see.
You're waiting here, to take my hand,
And lead me to the Promised Land.
And You love me,
Unfailing.
And You have always loved me,
Unfailing.
Heroes will come and go,
But You will remain forever.
I reach out to You,
Crying for someone to love me.
You take my hand,
In Your scarred ones,
And lead me to the Promised Land.
I waste every day,
Looking for unfailing love,
But You already died for me.
You know every heartache, and every tear,
Every triumph, and every fear.
Yet You still love me,
Unfailing.
And You will always love me,
Unfailing.
And now I can see,
That You're right here with me.
You take my hand,
And lead me to the Promised Land.
You have loved me for an eternity,
And You will always love me,
Unfailing.
*****
(c) 2005 Erica M. Holle
Looking for a hero,
Looking for someone to love me,
Unfailing.
But why can't I see,
That You're right here with me?
I don't understand,
Don't trust what I can't see.
You're waiting here, to take my hand,
And lead me to the Promised Land.
And You love me,
Unfailing.
And You have always loved me,
Unfailing.
Heroes will come and go,
But You will remain forever.
I reach out to You,
Crying for someone to love me.
You take my hand,
In Your scarred ones,
And lead me to the Promised Land.
I waste every day,
Looking for unfailing love,
But You already died for me.
You know every heartache, and every tear,
Every triumph, and every fear.
Yet You still love me,
Unfailing.
And You will always love me,
Unfailing.
And now I can see,
That You're right here with me.
You take my hand,
And lead me to the Promised Land.
You have loved me for an eternity,
And You will always love me,
Unfailing.
*****
(c) 2005 Erica M. Holle
Apr 1, 2010
More than Blessed
I'll never forget the day I first saw you,
Standing there singing, strumming your guitar.
My heart fluttered, through I tried to ignore,
The feeling that I knew you,
That I'd seen you before.
On the day my car crashed,
And you came to my rescue,
I felt it again,
That I had known you before.
And that's when I knew
That I was more than blessed,
The way you loved me,
Was the way I liked best.
When you looked in my eyes,
And smiled back at me,
Yeah, that's when I knew,
That I was more than blessed.
Well, after four months of wondering,
And four months of praying,
The day finally came, when you asked me to consider
A future together, a future with you.
And that's when God told me,
The reason I knew you.
He had formed our hearts together, to become as one,
Before I met you, before you met me.
And that's when I knew,
That I was more than blessed.
The way you loved me,
Was the way I liked best.
When you looked in my eyes,
And smiled back at me,
Yeah, that's when I knew,
That I was more than blessed.
We've got a long road behind us now,
And a longer one ahead,
But with your arms around me,
And God at our side,
Our love will grow stronger,
As the years go by.
And that's when I'll know,
That I am more than blessed.
The love you give me,
Is the love I like best.
When you look in my eyes,
And smile back at me,
Yeah, that's when I'll know,
That I am more than blessed.
*****
(c) 2008 Erica M. Holle. Written for my wonderful husband, about two months before he asked me to marry him.
Standing there singing, strumming your guitar.
My heart fluttered, through I tried to ignore,
The feeling that I knew you,
That I'd seen you before.
On the day my car crashed,
And you came to my rescue,
I felt it again,
That I had known you before.
And that's when I knew
That I was more than blessed,
The way you loved me,
Was the way I liked best.
When you looked in my eyes,
And smiled back at me,
Yeah, that's when I knew,
That I was more than blessed.
Well, after four months of wondering,
And four months of praying,
The day finally came, when you asked me to consider
A future together, a future with you.
And that's when God told me,
The reason I knew you.
He had formed our hearts together, to become as one,
Before I met you, before you met me.
And that's when I knew,
That I was more than blessed.
The way you loved me,
Was the way I liked best.
When you looked in my eyes,
And smiled back at me,
Yeah, that's when I knew,
That I was more than blessed.
We've got a long road behind us now,
And a longer one ahead,
But with your arms around me,
And God at our side,
Our love will grow stronger,
As the years go by.
And that's when I'll know,
That I am more than blessed.
The love you give me,
Is the love I like best.
When you look in my eyes,
And smile back at me,
Yeah, that's when I'll know,
That I am more than blessed.
*****
(c) 2008 Erica M. Holle. Written for my wonderful husband, about two months before he asked me to marry him.
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